I have been asked to pass on the following statement.
The Alexandria Group- London Office
20 October 2025
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
RE: Today's AWS Outage
The Alexandria Group wishes to address certain wild and entirely unfounded speculation currently circulating regarding today's Amazon Web Services disruption.
To be absolutely clear: We had nothing to do with it.
Despite what certain individuals in Whitehall may be thinking right now—and we're looking at you, Brian—the London contingent was busy doing exactly what we always do: evaluating artwork, establishing provenance, and pontificating about whether various pieces are authentic or the work of Joe Bloggs.
In response to specific rumours:
We did NOT accidentally open a quantum portal in the Northern Virginia data centre
No curators were conducting "routine temporal retrievals" in the vicinity of AWS facilities
The phrase "DNS issue" has absolutely nothing to do with "Dimensional Navigation Systems." Our reach, technology, and somewhat suspicious tendency to be "first with knowledge" remain entirely coincidental
Julius Strathclyde was nowhere near Virginia and has a solid alibi involving afternoon tea and crumpets
Yes, we are aware that our organisation appears "slightly off-key" to some observers. Yes, we know we're powerful enough to "take over a country" if we wished. But honestly, we're far too busy restoring Botticellis to bother with such mundane matters as internet infrastructure.
The timing of this outage occurring on the same day as our quarterly inventory of certain... let's call them "temporally sensitive" items... is purely coincidental.
We remain committed to our mission of art restoration and historical preservation, and we categorically deny any involvement in events that may or may not disrupt the flow of time, space, or cloud computing services.
Anyone with further questions may direct them to our hospitality liaison, though we cannot guarantee he'll believe you either.
The Alexandria Group - "We're just here to restore paintings. Honest."
Statement ends.
^(This statement was definitely typed on a standard keyboard and not dictated through any sort of quantum communication device. The fact it appeared on every major news network simultaneously before anyone pressed 'send' is just good timing.)